1
00:00:09,133 --> 00:00:10,833
Life--it's literally
all we have.

2
00:00:10,933 --> 00:00:11,873
But is it any good?

3
00:00:11,967 --> 00:00:13,197
I'm a reviewer,

4
00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,230
but I don't review

5
00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:15,873
food, books, or movies.

6
00:00:15,967 --> 00:00:17,967
I review life itself.

7
00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:19,567
[screams]

8
00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:21,497
[triumphant music]

9
00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:22,400
[parrot squawks]

10
00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:26,770
*

11
00:00:26,867 --> 00:00:27,997
Over here.

12
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:32,200
*

13
00:00:33,733 --> 00:00:35,373
Welcome to Review.

14
00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:37,397
The sailor standing before you
is named Forrest MacNeil,

15
00:00:37,500 --> 00:00:39,030
and I am he.

16
00:00:39,133 --> 00:00:41,973
Ahoy, there's a mermaid
to my left,

17
00:00:42,067 --> 00:00:43,927
and her name is A.J. Gibbs.

18
00:00:44,033 --> 00:00:45,673
What a weird intro.

19
00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:46,797
Let's see what
we've got, eh?

20
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,000
Yes.

21
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,130
This next review
comes from a man

22
00:00:49,233 --> 00:00:52,673
or woman named Merle
from Plano, Texas.

23
00:00:52,767 --> 00:00:53,897
Okay.

24
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:54,930
Hi there, Forrest,

25
00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:56,503
I've got four months left

26
00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,200
on a subscription
to an Internet dating website

27
00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:01,870
that has yielded me
exactly zero dates.

28
00:01:01,967 --> 00:01:04,667
What's it like
to catfish someone?

29
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,067
- To catfish?
- Hmm.

30
00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:07,933
Well, I don't know
what that is,

31
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:09,327
but I'm going to go find out,

32
00:01:09,433 --> 00:01:11,403
and then I'll review it.

33
00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,800
I'm sorry, what kind of fish
was it again?

34
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,100
From what I understand,

35
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,300
catfishing is
some kind of a prank,

36
00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:21,800
wherein one party,
the fisherman,

37
00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:25,900
creates a fake identity in order
to lure an unsuspecting party,

38
00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:27,427
the fisherman's cat,

39
00:01:27,533 --> 00:01:30,773
into falling in love
with this made-up phantom.

40
00:01:30,867 --> 00:01:32,297
That's ridiculous.

41
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,870
Why would anybody
want to do that?

42
00:01:33,967 --> 00:01:36,367
(Forrest)
This review was sure
to be complicated by the fact

43
00:01:36,467 --> 00:01:39,897
that my father and I
were now living in my office

44
00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:40,767
because his first
and second homes

45
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:43,097
had been freakishly destroyed.

46
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,070
Aah!
We've got to get out of here!

47
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:46,470
[explosion, screams]

48
00:01:46,567 --> 00:01:47,667
(Forrest)
And we were sharing the space

49
00:01:47,767 --> 00:01:50,167
with my intern, Josh,
and his girlfriend, Tina,

50
00:01:50,267 --> 00:01:51,927
who had been
squatting on my couch

51
00:01:52,067 --> 00:01:53,627
without permission for months.

52
00:01:53,733 --> 00:01:55,373
Seems like a crazy waste
of time for the catfisher.

53
00:01:55,467 --> 00:01:58,297
Well, when I've done it,
I've done it for power,

54
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,400
for boredom, or, like,
when you just have 30 minutes

55
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:03,970
before a thing
you have to be at.

56
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,627
I just do it
'cause Tina does it.

57
00:02:05,733 --> 00:02:06,673
Is everybody done?

58
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:08,327
Because one of us is
a life reviewer

59
00:02:08,433 --> 00:02:09,603
who has to go out
and have this experience

60
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:13,100
and share special, universal
insights about it, okay?

61
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,400
- [groans]
- That one is me.

62
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:15,670
I'm the life reviewer.

63
00:02:15,767 --> 00:02:17,197
So, Lucille,
will you please give me

64
00:02:17,300 --> 00:02:18,930
the HTML website address

65
00:02:19,067 --> 00:02:20,797
for Googling things?

66
00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:22,200
We've been through this.

67
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:24,070
Yes, I know.
You know what?

68
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:24,930
I'll write it
on a Post-it this time

69
00:02:25,067 --> 00:02:27,497
and just keep it on my desk.

70
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:28,130
W...

71
00:02:28,233 --> 00:02:29,473
- Yep.
- W...

72
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:30,467
Uh-huh.

73
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,067
W...

74
00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:34,803
- Okay.
- Dot...

75
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:35,900
Yep.

76
00:02:36,067 --> 00:02:37,767
- G...
- Mm-hmm.

77
00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:39,927
- O...
- Okay.

78
00:02:40,067 --> 00:02:41,227
- O...
- Yes.

79
00:02:41,333 --> 00:02:43,203
- G...
- Yep.

80
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:44,670
- L...
- Mm-hmm.

81
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:47,467
E...

82
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:48,697
Dot...

83
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,470
Another dot?

84
00:02:50,567 --> 00:02:51,127
Yeah.

85
00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:53,233
- Okay.
- C...

86
00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:54,633
- Mm-hmm.
- O...

87
00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:55,633
Okay.

88
00:02:55,733 --> 00:02:57,303
M.

89
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,800
And what do I do?
I just type that into Google?

90
00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:02,200
Yep.

91
00:03:02,300 --> 00:03:03,600
Boy, she really
knows this stuff, huh?

92
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:04,870
- She does, actually.
- Wow.

93
00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:06,327
- She's great.
- Wow.

94
00:03:06,433 --> 00:03:07,173
(Forrest)
To begin
my catfishing experience,

95
00:03:07,267 --> 00:03:09,067
I would first need my bait:

96
00:03:09,100 --> 00:03:10,930
a fraudulent profile.

97
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:12,567
- How tall?
- Tall.

98
00:03:12,667 --> 00:03:14,567
(Forrest)
My roommates
insisted on helping,

99
00:03:14,667 --> 00:03:15,967
and they decided this fake man
should love children...

100
00:03:16,067 --> 00:03:18,397
- Kids and dogs.
- Like dogs...

101
00:03:18,500 --> 00:03:19,930
- Tolerate your cats.
- And tolerate your cats.

102
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,267
- Be smart but not neurotic...
- Smart but not neurotic.

103
00:03:22,367 --> 00:03:23,697
- Outstanding in bed.
- Outstanding in the bedroom

104
00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:24,900
- but free of STDs.
- No STDs.

105
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,667
- He's known heartbreak...
- Heartbreak...

106
00:03:26,767 --> 00:03:28,227
- But has no baggage.
- But he has no baggage.

107
00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,703
- Wow.
- God, beautiful.

108
00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,630
(Forrest)
In short,
this online Frankenstein monster

109
00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:34,903
was almost entirely the opposite
of Forrest MacNeil.

110
00:03:35,067 --> 00:03:36,327
No baggage.

111
00:03:36,433 --> 00:03:37,603
(Forrest)
But there was one other thing

112
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,430
that I alone
would bestow upon him.

113
00:03:39,533 --> 00:03:43,273
May I please be the one
to say what his name is?

114
00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:46,267
And I knew
exactly what that name would be.

115
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:48,927
The most popular classmate
in my fourth grade class

116
00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:52,627
was a boy impressively
named Charles Sweddington.

117
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,073
Now, one day
Charles wore his father's

118
00:03:55,133 --> 00:03:56,573
Oscar de la Renta cologne
to school,

119
00:03:56,667 --> 00:04:00,527
and from that point forward,
he became known as Oscar.

120
00:04:00,633 --> 00:04:04,333
Oscar enjoyed his status
in our hierarchy

121
00:04:04,433 --> 00:04:06,433
for quite a while until
a Swedish exchange student

122
00:04:06,533 --> 00:04:09,703
with the delicious name
of Alvin Klassen arrived

123
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,500
to make a play
for the throne.

124
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,300
Now, by Christmas, Alvin
revealed himself to be deficient

125
00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:15,870
in several key regions
of the brain,

126
00:04:15,967 --> 00:04:18,467
including those responsible
for impulse control

127
00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:20,067
and where to put your hands,

128
00:04:20,133 --> 00:04:23,233
and the name Alvin
became synonymous with "weirdo."

129
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,533
So Charles Sweddington,

130
00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:26,473
aka Oscar,
reclaimed his designation

131
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:27,867
as our most popular student,

132
00:04:27,967 --> 00:04:29,967
and I, for one,
have never forgotten him.

133
00:04:30,067 --> 00:04:33,067
Now that it's time
to choose my nom de catfish,

134
00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:34,197
I know just what to do.

135
00:04:34,300 --> 00:04:38,230
- His name is Ace Shrift.
- [groans]

136
00:04:38,333 --> 00:04:40,973
It is an anagram
for "catfisher."

137
00:04:41,067 --> 00:04:43,597
You see, Charles Sweddington
appreciated an anagram

138
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:46,070
more than anyone
I have ever known.

139
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,497
He would love "Ace Shrift."

140
00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:51,370
There is one final capstone
to place on this monument

141
00:04:51,467 --> 00:04:52,567
to dishonesty.

142
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,827
Ace Shrift is going
to need a face.

143
00:04:54,933 --> 00:04:58,933
(Forrest)
I did an image search
on www.google.com.

144
00:04:59,067 --> 00:05:02,067
"Very handsome man."

145
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:05,133
Oh, plenty of
uncomplicated-looking dullards

146
00:05:05,233 --> 00:05:06,633
to choose from on here.

147
00:05:06,733 --> 00:05:09,103
Please allow me to borrow
your very handsome head.

148
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:10,500
[chuckles]

149
00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:12,200
(Forrest)
45 minutes later,

150
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,070
I had pasted
a handsome stranger's face

151
00:05:13,167 --> 00:05:15,497
to my dating profile,

152
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,570
and I set my geographical
settings to "anywhere."

153
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:22,597
So let's just go ahead
and go live, as they say.

154
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,430
[chuckles]
Wow, look at that.

155
00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:25,703
(Forrest)
I was instantly matched

156
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,330
with a number
of enticing ladies

157
00:05:27,433 --> 00:05:30,073
and several nut jobs
from all over the world.

158
00:05:30,133 --> 00:05:32,333
And then...

159
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:33,603
Oh.

160
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:35,700
[bleep].

161
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:38,070
(Forrest)
To my utter astonishment,

162
00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:39,473
one of the sad sack ladies

163
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:42,397
who matched with
the devilish cad, Ace Shrift,

164
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:44,800
was my ex-wife, Suzanne.

165
00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:46,400
This was a stunning turn
of events,

166
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,430
and I did not know
how Ace would handle it.

167
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:55,970
(Forrest)
While searching for victims
for my catfish scheme,

168
00:05:56,067 --> 00:05:58,267
I somehow came across a woman

169
00:05:58,367 --> 00:06:01,067
whose user name
is NoJerksPlease

170
00:06:01,100 --> 00:06:03,270
but whose real name
is my ex-wife Suzanne,

171
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:06,767
a woman I had loved dearly
but had to divorce

172
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,297
so that others
might learn from my experience.

173
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,630
You are gonna die alone!

174
00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:13,073
Let's not do this.
I don't want to be divorced.

175
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:15,070
But even when I begged her
to take me back four times...

176
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,170
Stop it.

177
00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:18,267
(Forrest)
She said no, no...

178
00:06:18,367 --> 00:06:19,397
- [bleep]!
- No and no.

179
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:21,070
Sweetheart, don't--
Aah.

180
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,473
(Forrest)
Although I have since
gotten over her completely,

181
00:06:23,567 --> 00:06:26,327
there was something delicious
about a little harmless payback.

182
00:06:26,433 --> 00:06:30,833
So here we go.
It's time to set the bait.

183
00:07:04,533 --> 00:07:07,233
Many times in my life
I have approached a woman

184
00:07:07,333 --> 00:07:10,733
and broken the ice
and been told to go away,

185
00:07:10,833 --> 00:07:12,773
but this, waiting with
the chance of no reply at all,

186
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:15,397
is maddening.

187
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:16,400
Has she received the message?

188
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:17,670
'Cause her profile says

189
00:07:17,767 --> 00:07:19,667
that she has been online
since I sent it,

190
00:07:19,767 --> 00:07:21,067
but has she read it?

191
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:23,400
And if she has,

192
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:26,600
why is she rejecting Ace?

193
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,330
Maybe she's not interested
in the opposite of me at all.

194
00:07:29,433 --> 00:07:31,803
I mean, maybe she--

195
00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:34,100
Oh.

196
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:35,670
That's her.

197
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:36,527
Oh, that's Suzanne.

198
00:07:36,633 --> 00:07:38,503
(Forrest)
I have to confess,

199
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:41,330
I did feel a tinge of excitement
that she was interested in me--

200
00:07:41,433 --> 00:07:43,473
by which I mean Ace,
who does not exist.

201
00:07:43,567 --> 00:07:45,727
[laughs]

202
00:07:59,900 --> 00:08:03,270
(Forrest)
Deceiving Suzanne
in this way was exhilarating.

203
00:08:03,367 --> 00:08:05,297
She had broken my heart.

204
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,930
She had refused to take me back,

205
00:08:08,067 --> 00:08:11,567
but now, Ace Shrift
had given me the upper hand.

206
00:08:11,667 --> 00:08:13,967
Ace was a cold-blooded fisherman

207
00:08:14,067 --> 00:08:15,967
out to catch
a warm-blooded fish,

208
00:08:16,067 --> 00:08:18,667
and I, Forrest, through Ace,

209
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,467
saw an opportunity
to toy with her heart

210
00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:23,267
as she had toyed with mine.

211
00:08:23,367 --> 00:08:24,827
(Josh)
Mr. MacNeil!

212
00:08:24,933 --> 00:08:26,473
Close your stupid computer.

213
00:08:26,567 --> 00:08:28,197
Your face looks
like a scary nightlight.

214
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:29,800
You're overplaying your hand.

215
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,270
She's gonna think
you're desperate, okay?

216
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,427
Shut your computer,
and go to sleep.

217
00:08:35,933 --> 00:08:38,773
(Forrest)
Catfishing was proving
to be a very satisfying pastime.

218
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:41,497
(Tina)
Oh, God.

219
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,467
(Forrest)
Over the next few days,

220
00:08:56,567 --> 00:08:59,167
Ace and Suzanne
became an online item.

221
00:08:59,267 --> 00:09:02,697
They chatted each and every day
and often deep into the night.

222
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:06,470
Suzanne was falling for Ace,
and, truth be told,

223
00:09:06,567 --> 00:09:08,567
Ace was not unmoved.

224
00:09:08,667 --> 00:09:12,367
Then, a bombshell
dropped from the Internet.

225
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,900
My catfish wants to Skype.
What is Skype?

226
00:09:18,067 --> 00:09:22,067
Oh, you're [bleep].

227
00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:24,073
What am I supposed to do?
I wouldn't be catfishing her

228
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:26,800
if I'm sitting in front of my
computer looking at her, right?

229
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:30,770
You've done
a reverse image search?

230
00:09:30,867 --> 00:09:31,867
What is that?

231
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:32,597
Put the image in,
find out who that is?

232
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:35,170
No!

233
00:09:35,267 --> 00:09:37,667
(Forrest)
I was now in the trickiest part
of catfishing,

234
00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:39,467
where you have to find
the handsome man

235
00:09:39,567 --> 00:09:41,927
whose picture you used
in your fake profile

236
00:09:42,067 --> 00:09:44,627
and persuade him
to Skype with your ex-wife.

237
00:09:44,733 --> 00:09:46,073
There he is.

238
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:47,167
Oh.

239
00:09:47,267 --> 00:09:48,527
What?

240
00:09:48,633 --> 00:09:52,233
That's Joe Dale Jr.,
the baseball player.

241
00:09:52,333 --> 00:09:54,733
Thanks to
my complete ignorance

242
00:09:54,833 --> 00:09:56,373
of professional sports,
I had chosen the face

243
00:09:56,467 --> 00:10:00,027
of a shortstopman
for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

244
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:01,133
[sighs]

245
00:10:01,233 --> 00:10:02,973
How about this place, huh?

246
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:04,927
(Forrest)
On the bright side,
he was easy to locate

247
00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:06,903
and can be hired
to make personal appearances

248
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:07,900
of any nature.

249
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,200
- Yo.
- Hello!

250
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:10,200
(Forrest)
On the dark side,

251
00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:11,670
his appearance fee

252
00:10:11,767 --> 00:10:12,727
completely wiped out
my retirement account.

253
00:10:12,833 --> 00:10:14,273
Did you bring
the cashier's check?

254
00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:16,367
- Right here.
- Cool.

255
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,697
Beautiful, beautiful home.
Wow.

256
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,530
Hello, I'm Forrest.
This is my producer, Grant.

257
00:10:21,633 --> 00:10:23,133
Hey, Joe,
if that's your wife,

258
00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:24,333
we should just
make sure she's not--

259
00:10:24,433 --> 00:10:25,873
- That's not my wife.
- Oh, okay.

260
00:10:25,967 --> 00:10:26,827
Oh, you know what?
I didn't even ask you.

261
00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:32,033
do you get Skype here?

262
00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:33,333
Okay, it's almost time.

263
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:34,303
Did you want to put on
a pair of pants?

264
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:35,730
- No.
- All right.

265
00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:36,803
I just want to make sure
you know everything

266
00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:38,570
that there is to know
about Ace Shrift.

267
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,527
He's a real cool customer,
you know.

268
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:41,573
Like, he's not like anybody
you've ever met before.

269
00:10:41,667 --> 00:10:44,627
He's really confident
with women,

270
00:10:44,733 --> 00:10:47,603
kind of just knows his way
around the bases in life,

271
00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:49,370
you know, and--
sorry, I feel like--

272
00:10:49,467 --> 00:10:50,697
- Up a little higher.
- No.

273
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,200
- I'm good.
- Okay, all right.

274
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:53,470
- Do you mind if I just--sorry.
- Nah.

275
00:10:53,567 --> 00:10:55,027
- I just--
- Nah.

276
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:56,373
Argh, I just feel--
No, it's not perfect!

277
00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:57,527
Oh, oh, God! Okay.

278
00:10:57,633 --> 00:10:58,573
All right, real quick.

279
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:01,197
You have a PhD
in animal husbandry,

280
00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:02,770
and you've never had an STD.

281
00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:05,067
Oh, and your favorite author
is Agatha Christie.

282
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:06,397
[stammering]
Okay.

283
00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:07,100
Hey, beautiful.

284
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,370
- Hello.
- Hi.

285
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:10,597
(Joe)
Sorry, that's the TV.

286
00:11:10,700 --> 00:11:11,600
Let me shut that off.

287
00:11:14,467 --> 00:11:16,267
Um, I have to confess,

288
00:11:16,367 --> 00:11:19,267
I kind of didn't believe
you were real.

289
00:11:19,367 --> 00:11:21,667
I mean, "Ace Shrift"?

290
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,227
You know that your name
is an anagram

291
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:24,473
for "farce shit," right?

292
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:26,367
Yeah, I did,
but you know what else?

293
00:11:26,467 --> 00:11:27,897
What?

294
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:29,727
I wondered the same way
about you, you sexy lady.

295
00:11:29,833 --> 00:11:30,903
(Forrest)
I worried that Suzanne
would know right away

296
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:33,297
that the grinning simpleton
on her computer

297
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,930
could not possibly be the
charming and witty Mr. Shrift.

298
00:11:37,067 --> 00:11:40,097
But Suzanne, perhaps distracted
by the sight of an athlete

299
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,530
in his underpants,

300
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:43,733
wasted no time
getting into her backstory.

301
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:45,603
Not to get too much
into my backstory,

302
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:46,870
but I spent a lot of years

303
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,327
with the guy who I thought
I was meant to be with,

304
00:11:49,433 --> 00:11:51,303
and so much of that just

305
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,600
turned out
to be like a gigantic detour.

306
00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:58,970
So I'm just really ready to--
to move on.

307
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:04,227
(Forrest)
This emotional moment was more
than Joe Dale Jr. could handle.

308
00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:06,833
Hey, Suzanne,
my name's not Ace.

309
00:12:06,933 --> 00:12:08,173
- What?
- It's Joe Dale Jr.

310
00:12:08,267 --> 00:12:09,227
[whispers]
No! Hey!

311
00:12:09,333 --> 00:12:10,333
I play shortstop
for the Dodgers.

312
00:12:10,433 --> 00:12:12,303
I'm sorry I was dishonest,

313
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:13,700
but if I use my real name,

314
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,930
women aren't honest with me.

315
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:17,067
I-I bet.

316
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,970
I thought I could do this,
but I can't.

317
00:12:19,067 --> 00:12:21,927
Whatever begins with dishonesty
always ends in a bad spot.

318
00:12:22,067 --> 00:12:23,197
Trust me, I know.

319
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:24,770
I'm a baseball player.

320
00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:25,967
(Forrest)
And then Joe, for some reason,

321
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:28,697
again told my ex-wife
that she seemed like...

322
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,370
(both)
A great and very sexy lady.

323
00:12:30,467 --> 00:12:32,067
However...

324
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:35,267
We probably shouldn't
contact each other anymore.

325
00:12:35,367 --> 00:12:36,267
(Suzanne)
No, I get it.

326
00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:38,727
I will miss seeing your face

327
00:12:38,833 --> 00:12:40,833
because it's just
really great-looking.

328
00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:42,833
- Good-bye.
- Bye, Ace Shrift.

329
00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:44,173
Oh!

330
00:12:44,267 --> 00:12:47,067
The cat has been fished!
[laughs]

331
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:47,870
I was terrified!

332
00:12:47,967 --> 00:12:49,567
That whole time you were like,

333
00:12:49,667 --> 00:12:50,767
"I'm not Ace Shrift,
I'm Joe Dale,"

334
00:12:50,867 --> 00:12:52,097
I was like, "What are you doing?

335
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,900
You're gonna give away
the whole catfish thing."

336
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,297
[sighs] Thank you
for ending it like that.

337
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,870
Just ending it.
It's over.

338
00:12:57,967 --> 00:13:00,527
That's the best $40,000
I've ever spent in my life.

339
00:13:00,633 --> 00:13:02,073
That was
a terrific investment.

340
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:03,603
- Yes.
- Yeah.

341
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,070
Well, you guys probably
have a lot going on and--

342
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:07,800
- That's right.
- No, actually, no.

343
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,070
- Yeah, we should get going.
- Yeah.

344
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:13,570
Catfishing, just as Joe Dale Jr.
so eloquently put it,

345
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:17,697
begins with dishonesty
and ends up in a bad spot.

346
00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,970
But there's a part
in the middle there

347
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,727
where the catfisher tricks
his ex-wife into believing

348
00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:25,733
that she will find happiness
with some fictitious person,

349
00:13:25,833 --> 00:13:27,203
and though it's brief--

350
00:13:27,300 --> 00:13:29,930
and in retrospect,
it's pretty disgusting--

351
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:30,597
in the moment,

352
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:34,470
it's breathtaking.

353
00:13:34,567 --> 00:13:37,227
Catfishing, three stars.

354
00:13:39,500 --> 00:13:41,830
What is my next review,
please, A.J.?

355
00:13:41,933 --> 00:13:43,703
[trumpet fanfare]
- What are you doing?

356
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,600
Well, Forrest, did you know
that in Civil War times

357
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,270
people used to write letters
to each other

358
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:48,527
on thinly sliced trees?

359
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,903
- Paper, I know all about paper.
- Oh.

360
00:13:51,067 --> 00:13:52,097
- Yeah, big fan.
- [gasps]

361
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,070
Our very first ever
old person pen pal...

362
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:56,100
Mm-hmm.

363
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,300
Is from Steamboat Springs,
Colorado.

364
00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,370
Oh, let me guess the zip code,

365
00:13:59,467 --> 00:14:01,797
80477.

366
00:14:01,900 --> 00:14:02,700
That actually was right.

367
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:04,230
Yeah, I know all the zip codes.

368
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:05,303
That's weird.

369
00:14:05,400 --> 00:14:07,800
"Dear Forrest MacNeil,

370
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:08,670
"By the time you read this,

371
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:10,727
- I'll be dead."
- Wow.

372
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:12,573
"The gals
in my stitch-n-bitch group

373
00:14:12,667 --> 00:14:14,167
"are devastated about it

374
00:14:14,267 --> 00:14:16,727
"because they believe
my awful ghost will haunt them.

375
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:19,673
"What's it like to spend
the night in a haunted house?

376
00:14:19,767 --> 00:14:22,327
Sincerely, I.L. Salazar."

377
00:14:22,433 --> 00:14:23,303
Huh.

378
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,170
Well, here I go to find out

379
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,267
what it's like to spend a night
in a haunted house.

380
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,897
Might be
some ghosts there.

381
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:32,067
(Forrest)
There is
a very creepy abandoned house

382
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:33,730
in the neighborhood
where I grew up,

383
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:34,803
and I headed there with my dad

384
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:37,700
for the purposes
of father-son bonding

385
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,870
and also because I was scared.

386
00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:41,527
I had forgotten
about the old Durretz house

387
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:45,533
and its outlandish
and gruesome tale.

388
00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:47,773
A century ago,
we are told,

389
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:50,967
a farmer murdered
his entire extended family,

390
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:54,427
and he ground them up, and
then he fed them to his pigs.

391
00:14:54,533 --> 00:14:57,133
50 years after that,
they say,

392
00:14:57,233 --> 00:15:00,833
the house became haunted
by an unrelated ghost.

393
00:15:00,933 --> 00:15:02,803
[sirens wail]

394
00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:06,430
[mysterious music]

395
00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:09,673
*

396
00:15:09,767 --> 00:15:12,697
(Forrest)
Ghosts may or may not exist,

397
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:16,530
but in our world, they do not.

398
00:15:16,633 --> 00:15:18,073
Our evening
in the Durretz house

399
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,830
was therefore deeply boring,

400
00:15:19,933 --> 00:15:22,533
affording me the soundest sleep
I'd had in weeks.

401
00:15:22,633 --> 00:15:23,703
[snoring]

402
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,200
But then...

403
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:27,800
something happened.

404
00:15:27,900 --> 00:15:30,830
[snoring continues]

405
00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,070
[gasps]

406
00:15:36,933 --> 00:15:39,073
(Forrest)
Not an encounter
with the earthbound soul

407
00:15:39,167 --> 00:15:43,067
of a dead person
but an important idea.

408
00:15:43,133 --> 00:15:46,633
Perhaps inspired by my recent
experience with catfishing,

409
00:15:46,733 --> 00:15:48,503
I realized that
I did know a house

410
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:52,130
that was actually haunted.

411
00:15:52,233 --> 00:15:54,203
This is the house where I lived
with my ex-wife, Suzanne,

412
00:15:54,300 --> 00:15:58,300
and my son, Eric.

413
00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:02,230
(Forrest)
This house holds the ghost
of what my life used to be.

414
00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:04,673
(Gene)
Forrest!

415
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:06,067
(Forrest)
Gene!

416
00:16:06,100 --> 00:16:08,070
[chuckles]
You're kidding me.

417
00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:10,867
(Forrest)
My old neighbor
and former best friend, Gene,

418
00:16:10,967 --> 00:16:13,727
was like a vision
from a life I had lost.

419
00:16:13,833 --> 00:16:15,573
It's me, Forrest.

420
00:16:15,667 --> 00:16:17,527
Forrest MacNeil
from the past.

421
00:16:17,633 --> 00:16:18,833
Yeah, I remember.

422
00:16:18,933 --> 00:16:21,773
I'm just visiting
the old house.

423
00:16:21,867 --> 00:16:23,367
You're visiting
the old house right now?

424
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:24,097
Yeah, mm-hmm.

425
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,770
Hmm.

426
00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:29,127
Well, the people that live there
are on vacation,

427
00:16:29,233 --> 00:16:30,873
so you might want to come back
during the daytime

428
00:16:30,967 --> 00:16:35,827
'cause it's, uh...
bad to come at midnight.

429
00:16:35,933 --> 00:16:37,633
I understand.

430
00:16:37,733 --> 00:16:41,973
Okay, I guess this isn't really
my place anymore, huh?

431
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,767
No, you--
you sold it.

432
00:16:44,867 --> 00:16:48,567
It was great
to see you again.

433
00:16:48,667 --> 00:16:50,267
And--and you're leaving now?

434
00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:52,127
Now, yes.

435
00:16:52,233 --> 00:16:54,073
I believe
I will see you again.

436
00:16:54,133 --> 00:16:55,673
[chuckles]

437
00:16:55,767 --> 00:17:01,397
*

438
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:02,530
Oh, wow.

439
00:17:02,633 --> 00:17:05,203
The lock on this window
was always broken,

440
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,800
so, assuming they
haven't fixed it,

441
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:10,230
I should be able
to very carefully, very--

442
00:17:10,333 --> 00:17:12,833
[glass breaking]
- Aw, [bleep] [bleep]!

443
00:17:12,933 --> 00:17:14,633
God damn it.

444
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:18,933
I'm in.
Come in.

445
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:21,397
(Forrest)
My quest to spend a night

446
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:24,800
in a haunted house had
brought me to hallowed ground.

447
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,830
[door closes]

448
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:32,073
This is where I lived with
my boy and the love of my live.

449
00:17:32,133 --> 00:17:34,533
They've made a lot
of bad choices here.

450
00:17:34,633 --> 00:17:37,503
It's terrible.

451
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:42,370
Do they have any idea what came
before them in this space?

452
00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,767
Do they even care?
I don't know.

453
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:48,467
But I do know they need to get
rid of that chair right away.

454
00:17:53,267 --> 00:17:55,967
Mmm!

455
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:57,197
I feel like there's a realm

456
00:17:57,300 --> 00:18:02,730
where we didn't get divorced
right here.

457
00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:04,373
Suzanne and I
are still married.

458
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:07,097
[sighs]

459
00:18:11,867 --> 00:18:14,067
There was a murder
in this kitchen,

460
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,533
the murder of a marriage.

461
00:18:15,633 --> 00:18:19,533
[discordant piano notes]

462
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:23,233
Oh, give me the strength
to go upstairs.

463
00:18:23,333 --> 00:18:24,203
Oh.

464
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,073
[whispers]
What if I walk into that bedroom

465
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:31,727
and Suzanne and I
are in there?

466
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:36,170
Nope.

467
00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:42,273
It occurs to me now

468
00:18:42,367 --> 00:18:46,697
that there is a ghost
haunting this house tonight.

469
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:48,200
It's me.

470
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:50,830
Boo!

471
00:18:50,933 --> 00:18:52,103
(Forrest)
I had hoped that the alcohol

472
00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:53,800
would act
as a kind of talisman...

473
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:55,170
Suzanne.

474
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,827
(Forrest)
Warding off
the frightening specter

475
00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:58,073
of my slaughtered former life.

476
00:19:01,167 --> 00:19:04,427
But it only brought on
greater horrors.

477
00:19:04,533 --> 00:19:06,433
[creak]

478
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:08,133
What was that?

479
00:19:09,767 --> 00:19:11,727
Did you hear that?

480
00:19:13,167 --> 00:19:14,727
[phone ringing]
- Oh!

481
00:19:17,667 --> 00:19:20,927
- Hello?
- [speaking foreign language]

482
00:19:21,067 --> 00:19:24,967
Who are you?
What do you want?

483
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,797
Is that the language
they speak in hell?

484
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:29,070
- [bleep].
[phone ringing]

485
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:30,373
We got to get out of here.

486
00:19:30,467 --> 00:19:32,897
(Forrest)
And the horrors had just begun.

487
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,127
[phone ringing]

488
00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:41,733
Gene?

489
00:19:41,833 --> 00:19:45,203
[phone continues ringing]

490
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,100
- [screams]
- [screams]

491
00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,670
[knife stabs Forrest]

492
00:19:50,767 --> 00:19:52,667
Oh, God.
Oh!

493
00:19:55,067 --> 00:19:56,397
Oh.

494
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,530
[shouting in native language]

495
00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:02,303
[groaning]

496
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,930
Why did you do that to me?

497
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:06,503
[crying]
Oh, God!

498
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:07,300
Aah!

499
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,500
[speaking native language]

500
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:13,800
[sighs]

501
00:20:13,900 --> 00:20:16,170
That woman was Grandma Choi,
the matriarch of the family

502
00:20:16,267 --> 00:20:18,727
that bought the house
from Suzanne.

503
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,533
She's afraid of flying,
so she didn't join

504
00:20:20,633 --> 00:20:22,433
the rest of her family
in Hawaii.

505
00:20:22,533 --> 00:20:24,633
She unfortunately mistook me
for an intruder

506
00:20:24,733 --> 00:20:27,003
and stabbed me
just above the navel,

507
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,830
puncturing my large intestine.

508
00:20:29,933 --> 00:20:32,033
Oh, my God, Forrest.

509
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:35,033
Well, I'm building up a pretty
good tolerance to physical pain,

510
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:37,603
so no big deal.

511
00:20:37,700 --> 00:20:40,030
Now, my experience
with haunted houses taught me

512
00:20:40,133 --> 00:20:41,833
that we create phantoms

513
00:20:41,933 --> 00:20:45,233
to avoid thinking about our own
frightening or sad realities.

514
00:20:45,333 --> 00:20:49,873
Spending a night
in a haunted house, one star.

515
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:55,930
So what happened to your dad?

516
00:20:56,033 --> 00:20:57,373
What do you mean?

517
00:20:57,467 --> 00:21:00,067
You left him
to spend a night alone

518
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,973
in a real haunted house.

519
00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,327
Oh, yeah.

520
00:21:04,433 --> 00:21:06,203
Huh.

521
00:21:14,167 --> 00:21:15,467
Ooh, look in here.

522
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,327
Why would a ghost choose
to live here, you know?

523
00:21:17,433 --> 00:21:18,533
Why do we assume
that ghosts want to live

524
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:19,533
in dilapidated houses?

525
00:21:19,633 --> 00:21:21,173
Ghosts can go anywhere,
can't they?

526
00:21:21,267 --> 00:21:22,267
Yes.

527
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:23,267
If I were a ghost,
I'd probably go live

528
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:24,897
in Buckingham Palace.

529
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,727
I think they like
the free maintenance.

530
00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:27,133
[laughs]